It’s time like these that let me show you guys more of why I write. This is not a regular scheduled post, just something I wanted to share. It is currently 9:30pm, I am sitting at my dining room table, my lime green Beats headphones on, listening to the boyband playlist that I created recently. I am also trying my hardest not to cry and go into a full on anxiety attack. To say that it has been a very stressful 24-48 hours is definitely an understatement…
Why Am I Anxious?
I won’t go into too much detail right now but someone very close to me had a pretty big surgery yesterday. It wasn’t exactly “life-threatening” but the success or failure of it would affect a lot for sure. I have always had a tough time dealing with watching my loved ones have health issues, being in hospitals, having surgery, etc… But I guess it hits me so much because of everything else that was going on at the time.
This time around, I have been watching a completely different human being deal with pain and what comes with it. Take note that I have watched my god mother (RIP Nanny), my grandparents, and my mom (RIP Momma) suffer with various health issues; especially cancer. Everyone handles pain differently. I know that I can be a big baby when certain things bother me but somehow I am quite the bada** when getting a tattoo LOL.
But for some reason, this particular person, who usually has a very high tolerance for pain, is in a lot of pain and is handling it very “weird”. And because of how close we are, every emotion that they feel and act on is affecting me. I have my own life, stress, and emotions about things right now. So that mixed with another person’s pain and emotions is a dangerous mix. That is where my anxiety comes in.
How I Have Been Handling My Anxiety Lately…
Yesterday, the actual day of the surgery I was super calm and acting the way that I normally do. I was a little nervous and worried but that’s every day for me. My anxiety didn’t really hit me until I first saw them after the surgery. I was able to keep it together for the most part but once we were on the road heading back home, I started to doubt my ability to help take care of them. I wasn’t sure if I had done enough to prepare for this moment.
I did call for some help and it worked out a lot better than if I was by myself. But I was a nervous wreck. A lot had to be done before I could even get ready for bed and try to get some sleep myself. I had already been on my feet a lot the last 3 days or so (more than normal) and I had an important meeting the next morning (this morning). My nerves were bad and I had a feeling that they weren’t going to calm down any time soon.
Lucky for me, I was able to pull it together for my meeting and I actually feel pretty good about it. And when I had to go run errands and grab lunch, I was still managing my anxiety pretty well. But the later it got and the more I was home, the more my anxiety was increasing. Then it finally happened, I had an anxiety attack. I was sitting down, thinking about everything else I had to do before the day was over and it just hit me.
Still Pushing Forward…
After that episode, I got my breathing back to normal and left the house to run the rest of my errands. I have gotten so used to having to push past my anxiety so that I can get stuff done. I also don’t like for certain people to see me have an anxiety attack, this person included. I feel weak, incompetent, and insecure. I’m still very used to putting everyone else and their feelings ahead of myself and how I’m feeling.
Writing for this blog and listening to music is probably one of the best things I have done for myself in the past 48 hours or so. It’s still been about everyone else and making sure they were good. But once I finally (kind of) got time to myself, I have an anxiety attack. I am also still pretty sleep deprived from the past few days but like always I am pushing through it.
Why Am I Telling You This Story?
I haven’t always been an open book, not even to some family members. But as I got older and started to meet people who were like me, I realized that talking about these things not only helped me but it helped them as well. I know that there are a lot of people who have or are dealing with the same things but don’t know how to start talking about it. So, I make myself vulnerable and share a deep part of myself in hopes that someone will connect to it and not feel so alone.
My regularly scheduled posts with hopefully some fun, random stuff thrown in at times, will be back ASAP. But if you guys like stories like these and would like to hear more then let me know in the comments or message me. Also, if you guys have any questions or ideas about future posts similar to this I would love to hear them. I want to be able to interact with you guys as much as possible.
After reading this, I hope that you guys were able to take away something. I appreciate you guys reading and supporting me more than you know. Keep up with me on my social media pages where, on top of sharing new music and pop culture news, I try to post some inspiration as well. Until next time, though, have a good night 🙂